TomK32

:-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( just called her told her that I'm in love with her the old thing you know, she don't want a friend for the moment shit i hate that it's so hard and even harder if you fail was sitting around today for hours, tried to convince myself to call her and then... don't expect any new entry for the next few days

Drunken at the moment, that's why that quote. was at the Seefest and later at teh Kaserbar, lot of alcohol nothing else. I don't know why I'm back that early, never was. Normally I'm in the Kaserbar at 22:00 and never coming back at 23:00. But I don't care, drunken so I'm not able to do a lot. I can't tell her. love her but can't tell her. It's the most terrible thing that can happen to one. Missing her. Want her at my side. Want to kiss her, touch her face, feel her heart beating. I'm a fool you know, having so many good chances, so many good moments to kiss her but me, the fool, don't take these chance. Not sure why I don't do it, maybe I'm unsure. I know that she must be also in love with me, waiting for me, waiting for the moment when I tell her. I think the thing I'm frightened of is what will happen when we both come together, what the future with her might look like. There's no reason why I should have fear, I know that but don't act like. I want her, need to risk all, or I will die.

Had to work the whole day yesterday. We rebuild major-parts of the chicken-fence. My borther Alex and my sister's boyfriend Andy helped and we can be poud on our work. Was at the Seefest yesterday, today is the last day including some cool fireworks.

Just came home. Was out with my sister Astrid, Sebastian and Christian (both tenants in our house). First at the "Seefest", a more or less good event at this weekend, at Sunday there's a big firework. And later in the "Kaserbar" where I meet Evi and Susi. But I was nearly paralized because of my sister sat near me. It's killing me slowly, not able to say Evi that I love her. I'm shy as you know but if a friend (or my sister) is near I'm paralized. bullshit

some (german) poetry, written by myself. Sorry I'm not that bored enough to translate it.

Nachricht an den Krieger
Siehst du da Licht am Horizont?
Wie es immer näher kommt?
Es ist nicht die langvermisste Sonne
Es herrschen Feuer und Tod in der Ferne.

Sie haben die Städte angezündet,
Jedem den Krieg angekündigt.
Ich hab die Städte oft gesehn
Fand sie aber niemals schön.
Aber wie sie jetzt dort brennen
Die Menschen laufen und rennen
Da rollen mir Tränen über's Gesicht,
Denn ich versteh den Grund nicht.

Sie werden auch uns angreifen
Unsere Stärke wird nicht reichen.
Darum schick ich dich hinaus
zu des Kriegers Haus.
An der Westküste im alten Turm
Dort trotz er jedem großen Sturm,
Gedenkt seiner großen Taten,
Wartet auf den weißen Drachen.

Geh und hole ihn her,
Wir brauchen ihn sehr.
Bring ihm die Nachricht,
Von den Schützern des Lichts.

No fear, I'm still alive. Last school day yesterday, I attended only the finish of the final event after which we got our school report, was at the dentist first. Ever felt the joy of a root-treatment? First he screwed through the filling he did last time and then cut all the nerves from my tooth, partly tey were already purulent. On the x-ray shot we saw that only one of the three needles he pushed into my tooth was pushed too far, no wonder it hurted. But he did great work, no more pain, never :-) (at least in this one tooth). My cheek was hurting the whole day but today all's fine. I'm feeling happy today, the sun is shining and I'm listening to good music. My school report (12/2) was better than the last one (12/1). Although I have now 7 grades below 5 points only 3 will count for my Abitur admission. German school system is soooo wired, for A-Level you do two years (Kollegstufe) which have a totally different system, you can score between 0 and 15 points where 15 the best and with 0 in your report you have to repeat the year. Then you need to choose two main-subjects and two other (next class three) which are your A-Level-test subjects. Three written and one oral test. In order to be allowed to do this test you need to reach a certain amount of points in various categories, you can't include more than 6 semester below 5 points into your calculations and many more rules. Best is to score as much as you can, then you don't have to care about rules and regulations. After the first half I've done some claculations and I've reached about 66% now :-) not bad no?

I'm sick, all my muscles and joints are aching. Didn't sleep well and my thooth also hurts again. but at least it's a sunny day :-/ my mom wants me to cut the grass. bitch

Yeah I did it. I've just called Evi but pity me she had no time for me :-( Now I have really no more clue, bullshit.

listening to sad music now. no clue what to do. but first the story of this evening. work till 21:30, dressed at home, drove to this ball and meet Evi, Susi, Poldi, Roman and a lot of other ppl there. at 11pm we decided to drive to another (much bigger) party (there are a lot of parties in these days). So i drove with Evi, Susi and another girl (i don't know much about her but she a good friend of Evi & Susi) to Susi, so they could change their clothes. then (at 24:00) we drove to this "Ewigen Durschtigen Fest" meet Poldi and Roman there. wasn't much fun there, averange music, too many drunken and rude ppl. At 1:30 Evi wanted back home and so I said ok. first only Evi and me were planned to leave. Then Roman asked, was easy to convince him to stay and get back by bus. but then Poldi and Susi decided to leave the party, of course with me as driver. shit, never things happen as I want them :'-(

Got up at 9am, went to church (this school event) and back home I slept for some more hours. Didn't do anything productive today, now I'm listening to LOUD music through my headphones (otherwise my mom would complain), ever felt a itching in your ears? Maybe the volume is to high.... For all my German reader, get your hands on Thomas D. - Legionen in Demut (Reflektorfalke). That's the sound that influences me most in these days, it's depressive music you might say at the first glance but it's more, it's our story, who mankind is and what wrongs it does. I love this CD. Will stay at home today, dunno what to do next, will code a lot (for the diary) and will try to forget about her for the next few hours.

Forget what I said earlier, Who I am, Where I came What I did Why I died I didn't do it, simply didn't do it. I'm stupid, loving this grrl but not telling her, hell even two friends said this night that I should tell her but I wasn't able to. I hate myself, my philosphy and all that shit. Don't want to be the kind guy anymore, wanna no need to be more aggressvie, not that aggressive like Poldi (who once again had not that much success as he wanted, poor Poldi). Meet this misterious Roman today, dunno if he's as good as I am with computers (he does websites for a local company, dunno what exactly), we'll see who rules ;-)

Was the last time in school for this year, official end is Wednesday ;-) In the next days we make some class-trips and other boring stuff. As usually in the last week before holidays most of our class meets in a disco (quite crappy and there are better ones, even in Berchtesgaden). Will meet Evi again, dunno what to do, I was such a fool last Thursday. Sitting next to here and talking crap KILL ME I'M A LOOSER. Needa clear things out tonight, really. I've started reading Pu Yi's auto-biography, he was China's last emperor and had a very interesting life, first a great emperor, then he lost his power to the Chinese democratic government (that's were I'm at the moment) and even lost his title lateron. I'm sure this book will get interesting. A year or so ago my Latin teacher Mrs. Walch said that the best books are biographies because they tell you what wrong and good people did, they don't teach you the historic details like history-books but the life of one and how he saw history. It is a very sujective point of view but a important one to understand history.

about my death I found The Spark today. They provide a dozen test. I did the gaytest (I'm 13% gay, that's a very low result) and later the deathtest which said I would die at July 7th, 2053 at the age of 72 years (averange is 67 years in the test). I claims that I most likely die from cancer (21%), Auto-Fellatio (13%), Alcoholism, Homicide (both 11%), Alien Abduction (7%), Public Execution in the Third World (5%). Funny results, no? Do the test and write me what you die from :-)

Today that there were yet another school-excursion, I stayed at home. School simply bores me. I need something new in my life, something cool, something that mkes me feel good, something I really miss. I've finished reading Andromeda by Michael Crichton this morning. It's his first novel, if I understood the description right, and was long before his bestseller Jurassic Park. The story-line of Andromeda is short, in the late sixties a very aggressive and deadly bacterium that kills a the citizens of a small twon in Arizona. Four scients have to learn about this killer in a secret research-complex and have to find out how to kill it. The story is more or less boring and has only a few surprises. The novel would be much shorter if Crichton wouldn't use a lot of scientific material from this "ancient" time, he also explains these so no one will have problems to understand it. The novel is a scientific one and if you're not interested in science you will be bored by this 250 pages very soon.

Got my English test back today. Note that I didn't prepare for this test (as usual) but I got 10 out of 15 point =] I'm back the the upper third of the class and that makes me very proud. But there were also three class mates who got no points, that means below 20%, that must be hard I think. If oyu know the German school system a bit you may know that in the two last years before the A-Level test (Abitur) you need to score a certain amount of points in various categories (2 Leistungskurse (main subjects) and some Grundkurse (7 or 8)) and if you get no points in one single test it becomes harder just to be allowed to do the final A-Level test (the last test is no problem, to be allowed to do it is much harder). I feel like I'm drifting since two days, I don't care anymore what I should do next, if something is good or bad for me it simply doesn't matter anymore. I've finished reading Lord of the Flies (by William Golding) some days ago. I've read The Beach (by Alex Garland) a few months ago and there are which shocked me a bit but Lord of the Flies shocked me even more. It's strange how fast paradise becomes hell, mankind is simply not able to live together in a peaceful way. I don't know how I would react if I would come to a lonely island with a bunch of people, maybe I'd go mad maybe not. I thought about that some hours but I still don't know :-( so let's stay in the "civilized" world ;-) Kittens are running through my room, at least they play with each other so I don't need to care a lot about them, except making sure that they can't throw stuff and break it ;-)

Didn't do my homework yet, and won't. This bullshit just bores me. Hell I'm one of the best in my class, don't see any sense in more boring exercise. This diary is enough exerices for me =-) In this week school will be less boring than the last two. Some excurses to the local waste water filtration building and to a documentation centre about the Nazi history of Berchtesgaden (yes, I'm living in this Berchtesgaden which was once home of this fool who tried to conquer the world). So we won't have a lot lessons but a lot of fun :-)

Lot of stuff happened. Finished the calendar box for the diary. Yesterday there was a cool party at Sebi, he became 19 today and we stayed up till 6am this morning. Last year's party was much cooler, different people. A good party needs cool people and good friends and so it's no wonder for me that the later it was the better the party became. So people seemed to be at the very wrong place, it's not that I don't like them but if Michi (class' youngster, good guitarist) drinks like mad and then vomits... hey that's something I can easily miss. Some like Hubi and Toni weren't there, I really missed them, you need good friends to drink with. Compared with last year the party-folks changed dramatically, mostly people from school were new and a lot from last year were missed :-( At least we had good talks in the early morning hours :-) At the second-hand fair yesterday I bought me some new speaker, although I planned to replace the old ones I just added the new (bigger) ones after I sadly recognized that they suck with high frequencies, at least the bass is fine now :-) I have to do a lot of homework for English now, didn't do it the last week and Mr Garbe wanted it till last Friday. Basicly I have to do a whole fucking Abitur test, essay some questions on a text and translation. But after I don't want write more than 6 or 7 good essays in this two last years (half-time now) I'll do some extra questions (in the Abitur you can choose from two full test, one about literature and the other includes a boring text).

I'm soo tired. Coded the whole evening. Did a neat calendar box for the diary app, it's really cool =] I think I'll go sleeping now, don't want to code anymore and all other things got boring. mostly my own fault :-(

Sun is shining now. I hope it will stay that way till afternoon. I also need to persuade Evi to come to my party (there are two others planned). That is also Poldi's plan who still has "problems" with Susi and want to go to a different party with her. Dividing Evi and Susi might solve our both problems. The stuff for art is finished, doesn't look that good and some may say it's crap but it took me a long time and what's most important it's a cool idea. It's now a very big paper with a lot stamps on it.

This night I had a very good chance for nearing Evi. But as allready may suspect I didn't use this chance. I was sitting wiht her outside, only we two but we talked about stupid stuff like school. HELL I'm such a FOOL :'-( I'm starting to hate myself for such stupid stuff.

Pain is coming back, will have to go to the dentist again it seems :-( No party today, my English teacher didn't finish the English test we wrote some two weeks ago and doesn't have the results yet. My party tomorrow is also not that sure as I hoped it would be. There was rain early this morning but now it's clearing and I'm sure that sun will break through totally tomorrow. =-) I'm a coward but that's nothing new. I'm stumbling from one day to the next, not knowing what to do or what I want. Will see Evi later, not sure what to do. I don't know if it's just because I'm a coward or maybe also because I need freedom and want to give other ppl their's. I'm a strange guy, hard to handle but be patient and I'll make you happy :-) I wrote two Schulaufgaben (the big tests) today, school-law says one per day, but after the one was Computer Science (only one student - me) and the other Art (mostly practical, do some abstract thing) I took both at one day. So I'm done with Schulaufgaben for this semester, after summer a lot will come, in a much shorter time (the last year is two months shorter, senseless but I don't care). At the moment I'm doing some stuff for Arts (yepp, more abstract stuff), I'm putting a lot of stamps from the whole world at a big paper and will call that "My World". Nearly none from South America, a few from North America, a lot European (no wonder ;-) ), some African, some more Asian and a lot Australian (we have friends there). That brings me to a cool idea: Write me a postcard my address is Thomas R. Koll Salzburger Strasse 28 83471 Berchtesgaden Germany, Europe I'll try to get my hands on a scanner and bring all cards online, I promise =] good night, maybe I'll write more after I came home

Was at the dentist an hour ago. He had to do a filling (didn't wonder me) and now I have a numb feeling in my mouth. I hope that pain won't return if the narcotic's effect goes. I got only half of my normal sleep this weekend. Gonna sleep now for some hours. I don't go to school today, won't miss much either.

tired. didn't have more than 10 hrs of sleep in the last two nights. I fear it won't get more this night. work wasn't that bad for me. pills didn't help a lot but at least i was able to work. sleep was getting hands on me at 7pm and they said "go home tom and sleep". but couldn't sleep at home and after Susi mailed me I went to meet she, Evi, Annabel and Poldi in a little bar. Was quite fun, we made some jokes but after Poldi tried (once again) to near Susi it got boring. I'm confused... dunno what to do... about my tooth... about Evi... about my whole fucking life

half sleeping half away. kittens playing in my room, at my bed. need to get to work now, don't know if i can ignore the pain for whole 8 hrs thoughs crossing my mind. ideas what to do about Evi. no idea what to do about my tooth. gonna go to the dentist at monday, fucking weekend. won't go to school at monday. sun is shining, as if it's laughing about me. took some pills now, hope to stand the day now. cya later folks

still so much pain, didn't sleep last night till 6am :-( have to work this afternoon but I'm tired this pain is killing me. i gonna get into the sun now for an hour or two, maybe i can sleep in the warming rays of this beloved star

one of my teeths is aching. it's killing me. last night i couldn't sleep because of this fukking tooth and this afternoon it was the same, nothing productive from me cause of this fucking tooth. I want to get rid of this tooth. i can't ignore the torture i can't solve it i don't want it anymore. this morning it got much better, no more pain. but at midday it came back, i need to be carfull tomorrow. i tried to heal it with alcohol (bacardi to be exact), so a friend of mine and i drank a 0.75l bottle of bacardi but it didn't get better :-( it's such abig pain for me. i got rid of most of the alcohol a few hrs ago (don't want to describe that) but he didn't, so he must be very drunk now, poor Hubi. tired, pain, lonesome. I hate that, want a grrl at my side, didn't see Evi this evening although I wished to, but I'll do so tomorrow, hope so. dunno what would have happened if i meet her this evening, maybe something i wouldn't do that way if i'm not drunk, i really love her but don't know what to do.... cya tomorrow good night friendes

It was a very sunny day, was four hours in the open-air bath. Sleeping and reading. My little brother failed his test for getting a license to drive one of this little motor-cycles. Some days ago he said it would be easy... you see my brother is really a dumb guy, what a pity that you need to be American to become prez ;-) The party at Fri 13th (hehehe) is becoming more and more real. Some guy from #linux-ger at OPN is coming along, cool no? I hope sun will shine then, if not it will get hard :-( there's not enough room in the house itself (I don't like indoor-parties). Still don't know what to do about Evi, I should call her (don't have her number, but that won't be a problem, UPDATE: just as I wrote this a friend sent me the number), but what to say when I call her? I have no clue, never have one. I really need a grrlfriend. OK if you would see her you would say she isn't that pretty but she is intelligent, funny and very nice. Charlie did a diary entry that really scared me. He's writing about death and all that shit, I hope his mood will get better. I always think that my own situation is the worst possible, but there are people who are more worse of than me. I finished a very good book some days ago. "In einem andren Land" (Farwell to Arms) by Ernest Hemmingway. Some of you may know that Hemmingway wrote his stories when he was drunk (he wrote a lot ;-) and after reading this one I'm sure he did. He wrote one third about drinking (the main character Fred is drunken most of the time), one third about war (the Great War, 1917-1918 in northern Italy to be very exact) and the third part if about love and all the problems that come with it. This guy American Fred is a medic in the Italian army (the US joined the war later, in both World Wars) and meets this Scotswoman Catherine (a nurse), they fall in love, he gets wounded and both are together. She gets pregnant, he has to return to the front-line and because of the Italian he (as American officer parted from his unit) has to flee from Italy. So both flee to Swiss and because of complication during the birth of teir son she and the baby-boy die. It has a sad ending but I love this book, it's realistic and Hemmingway shows you the life of a man in this times. I gonna do a flyer for the party now, let's see what new gimp stuff I find ;-)

My php diary is growing and, thanks to freshmeat, also getting know :-) Yesterday my Geographic class (8 people ;-) meet for dinner. I ate a pizza (didn't eat one for months) and cuz of three beers I nearly wasn't able to drive (but I did it) and this morning I woke up with headache :-( Today there's this boring athletic day at school, but it got normal that K12 don't take part so I'll stay at home. I'll go to an open-air bath later, lying in the sun and watching grrls passing by ;-)

School's getting boring in these days, mostly because the summer is near and no one wants to go to school anymore (including me). I did nearly all tests, only a few easy ones like computer science and art are left. Submitting the diary app at freshmeat was a success for me, about 500 hits the first day and more will come if I post the new version of it :-) I'm planning a party for Friday next week so if you're in south-east Germany at this day come along :-) Mostly people from my class will come but also some good friends.

My Debian Linux/GNU system was broken the last two days. I've updated it three days ago and got a broken package which my system needs for user-logins. If you can't login one day then try to get into runlevel 1, load some scripts in /etc/init.d to get online and update your system again. Took me some time to recognize that but I finally got it working :-) Being two days without any internet access was really strange and unusual for me :-( but after my flatrate's contract expires in two days I must to get used to that it seems :-( At friday I was at a little party, some friends but none I really wanted to see. I hope next weekend will get much better (will be easy after I have money again :-) I worked in the gas station yesterday afternoon (a few cool oldtimer came along, I love the summertime) and later I was out with Toni (my best friend), Hubi and his grrlfriend Julia (who is a cousin of Toni). It was fun, after sitting in a Biergarten (if you yet don't know what a Biergarten is you should come to Bavaria in summertime, you'll love Biergartens I'm sure) we drove to Austria (they are checking you again at the border in this days due a big economic convention) to a cool cuba-style bar. Good drinks and a lot of fun :-) Yesterday the sun was shining all day but now it's raining. I don't like this weather but at least I'll meet some friends in an hour and we'll play a RPG called "Das schwarze Auge".