TomK32

OK, some stuff about myself. I'm a geek, I know a lot about computers, I think the most time about problems and how to solve them, if I find a new site or software the first thing I do is to test and criticise it. I think my brain lost its humanity and became a computer itself. As easy handling computers is as hard is understanding humans for me. Due I'm never sure what the people around me will do next I try to stay away from them. If I have a computer in from of me I know what to do to get certain results, if necessary I can reset it and have a fresh start which is afaik impossible with humans. Even simple friendships are hard for me let alone a relationship with a grrl. In these 19 years I'm living on planet earth I had only one grrlfriend, I broke up after two weeks, she didn't have enough time for me :-( Another problem for me is that I'm kinda lazy, I start things do a bit until it works good enough and then I switch to another task. Even if I really want to do something I seldom do it. I don't know if I fear to fail or if I simply don't know how to do it.This incompetence is surely the strongest reason why I'm a poor, lonesome geek not able to tell a grrl that he loves her :-( I know that sounds so strange, even to me and I know that I don't have to fear to fail because the world is damn big and you can retry somewhere else Since about a half year I'm falling from one depressive phase into the next, a lot of shit happening to me, my father has lung-cancer, my parents are argueing the whole time and that will break our family within the next half year. If I could get out of this house and live with a friend I would do it, something I wouldn't even have imaginated a year ago. I loved to live here, maybe it might seem to you far of the world and trouble of cities but I love silence when you can hear your own breath and no sound disturbs your thoughts. I loved my home but it became hell for me, I need some changes and I need them soon. I do very often changes, changing the way I live, I even started to learn for school a few months ago ;-) Changes are one of the few thigs that keep me alive, if you don't change you stopped to live and death will near you.I think this public diary will be a very important change for me, I'm writing a private one for about 1 1/2 years mostly to remember what I when did (memory is really a problem for me), I hope it will change the way I deal with other ppl I got bored of my life, all this bullshit, seldom happy things it made me weak. I'm mostly listening to drepressing music from Beck, Thomas D. (get his "Lektionen in Demut" good German New Age) and the Doors (ever heard "The End"?). I've started to write poetry and friends who read it have two question: 1) Did you write it on your own? 2) Is it possible that you're getting depressed? They are right but I wonder why it took them so long to see it and why they are surprised, that depresses me :-(I feel very lonesome, not only because I have no grrlfriend (I think that I don't need one to love me but to save me) but also because I'm loosing contact to my friends they are moving farer and farer away, OK my friends are all very different and it happens seldom that we all come together to go out and to have fun but I think that most of them ignore me, they don't care what I think or feel. This may be a result of the independence my mother (my parents got divorced 11 years ago but he came back after a few years, they aren't married now and surely won't) gave me, the best thing she did for me was to do nothing, that made me independent, I can survive everywhere, if I would be alone from one day to another I wouldn't care, I would continue and maybe would even do better than now. My friends know that I'm hard to destroy, I don't care if someone hurts me even my body isn't important for me (my right foot hurts since April but after I can still walk I don't get to a doctor), I never complain or talk with a friend about my feelings or situation (hopefully this page will change that). But please don't think that I'm angry about my friends, no they are still good friends and make me happy often enough. God only knows how my life will go on but I'm optimistic if I look into the far future. I'm getting tired and need sleep, good night folks